Spring’s Testimony
- Spring
- May 20, 2020
Hello everyone, my name is Spring, not summer. I am so happy to be here to share my story about God with you. Without God’s infinite grace, love, and mercy, I would have died for so many times.
I came from Shanghai, China, I was baptized as a Christian more than 20 years ago in my junior school. During senior high school, I chose God over the opportunity of entering the Chinese Communist Party. In most people’s eyes, I seemed to be a very devoted Christian. However, in fact, I did not know God at all. I never had a real relationship with Him. 16 years ago, when I was only 23 years old, I was diagnosed Lupus. It is a very severe autoimmune system disease that almost killed me several times. But God saved my life again and again. Before the onset of Lupus, my life went along very smoothly, and I was studying medicine in the best Medical school in Shanghai. Everybody I knew praised me. I never thought of the true meaning of life. This disease made me suffer a disastrous decline and I became a burden for my family. I could not see any hope for the future. And yet, in all of that, God never left me, and everything had His amazing arrangement. He wanted me to know Him, to love Him and to rely on Him sincerely. Also, under the amazing arrangement of God, I immigrate to Canada with my husband many years ago.
I knew western medicine cannot help me. I went back to China for help but got nothing eventually. I never expect that I was so weak even much worse than the people who have no faith. The terrible and huge pain tortured me every waking moment. My family tried their best to encourage me to be brave and happy. However, my character which was formed since childhood controlled me firmly. I was not able to control my thoughts, they were filled with darkness, fear, and confusion. I hated myself, I felt so selfish and cowardly. I could not pretend to be happy. I could not even give a single smile to my parents-in-law who looked after me every day and night. I was so weak and could do nothing, not even attempt to go to the bathroom without help.
I felt the fierce war in my heart. I felt so tired…… I heard a voice accusing me that I did not deserve to be human, let alone God’s child. I am a loser, a complete loser. I should kill myself quickly and stop being a burden on my family. I cried to God: I do not deserve to be your child, please give up me. I did conduct suicide.
One day, when we visited hospital. I jumped from the top of the high escalator but stuck by one stair from the middle. The security guard stopped the escalator at once and held me from the top. The first attempt failed. But I still want to die. Another day early morning, all my families were still sleeping. I took the big knife in kitchen and locked the door of bathroom. I tried to cut my vein on my wrist with my biggest strength. Blood come out and my-mother-in law found me and opened the door stopped me immediately. Again, I failed. But the scars on my wrist are still there you can see. After this, I was still unwilling to give up. I feel like I was a ghost and totally losing control. My life is a shame to God’s name. I tried another time. Doctors prescribed sedatives to me due to my insomnia. I accumulated them in a one bottle. I swallowed almost 70 pills of the strong sedatives while the maximum dosage of this medication for people is only 2 pills. To my greatly shock, there was nothing severe happening except a bit dizzy. Eventually, I realized it will not work for me to commit suicide. Because God so love me and He never give up me no matter how weak and how bad I am. Even if I gave up completely, He still holds me so fast. Although I let Him down so deeply, He still gave his hand to me; My families never give up me. This was especially so in my husband and his parents. They are good Christians. All through my ordeal with this disease, and my time in treatment, they were there for me, accompanying me wherever I needed to go. They took good care of me, always trying their best to comfort me. My Christian brothers and sisters never gave up me. They visited me, encouraged me, comforted me and prayed for me for a long time. Although my deed through the disease made everyone who love me heart broken, no one gave up me. It is the never-ending love that spared me.
However, I really did not know how to use faith. Whenever I wanted to think of God, I had lots of doubt and distractions surround me. The terrible disease I was experiencing, the thoughts of death, the many difficulties, combined with my doubts of the word of God synthesized to a black cloud which messed up my thoughts. My brain was a mess. I felt so hopeless. I even could not think. I eventually understood that I should not try to solve all the problems with sense. If I always want to find answers to all the questions, I would never be satisfied. The truth of God is written in nature, written in all my experience. Without God’s mercy and grace, I would have died many, many times over. God ’s word is truth and it should never be doubted. Just like a student would not ask a teacher to explain why “A” should be read “A”. If I want every question to be answered, I would be more confused and pained. God’s words are full of light and wisdom. When I began to believe, the miracle happened.
That day, I made my decision to give my heart to God; to choose God’s words always, and to have faith. I chose not to give any place to the devil. Suddenly I felt Light shining in my heart. I felt His presence and strength pulled me from the dark wallow. Still, the pain was in my body and tortured me every moment. And each time, I turned my eyes from God to my difficulties or my disease, the strong shadow of doubt and depression enveloped me.
I finally understood I should not pay any attention to the evil one. I needed look up, and only focus on Jesus is my hope. Without him, I would lose. A Supernatural Strength changed me every day: I began to feel myself, body and spirit, recovering from the messy condition I was in. Soon, I was able to walk by myself and to look after myself without help. I was able to walk down the stairs and to step outside into the fresh air. I was very weak and had to remind myself that everything I did from then on, I needed to look to God always. I could do nothing without him including eating and breathing. I have nothing to boast about and everything I have now is by God’s grace.
Now I have returned to my work for more than half years. I am learning to focus on Christ. It is not easy to keep the close relationship with God. Just like Peter when he tried to walk on the water, if he pays any notice to the storms, he will surely sink. When my eyes are fixed on Jesus and what He did for me on the cross, I feel the strength of His peace and happiness. Everyday in the morning, when I open my eyes, I pray to God immediately. I seek His guidance and help. I ask Him to show me His whole plan for that day for me. I ask Him to give me the power and strength to finish all my tasks and honor His name. I feel God’s help every moment. I never pay more on attention on others’ opinion. What I care about is God’s feeling. God do prepare the most suitable positions for me. I have so much good feedback I never had before. I have begun to change and now feel that every minute is precious. Each day, I am eager to talk with him, and to walk with Him.
I feel my life has only just begun. I believe now that people who wait in the Lord, our God, will lack for nothing. They will rise up and soar like eagles……Even during this pandemic, His love never ends.
My Lord replaced my dust with His noble crown……